As you may know, I find the G.O.A.T. products to be a hilarious and chilling glimpse of our future. During my lunchtime walk a few days ago, I ran into a girl handing out some G.O.A.T. Rumble, which I hadn't tried yet. We had the following conversation:
Me: Is that some of that ridiculous G.O.A.T. stuff?
Girl: Yeah, would you like some?
Me: Yeah! I find that stuff hilarious!
Girl: That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me today.
The boxing-themed wrapper noted that the "Fruit Fight Rumble" is part of the last round of eating, round six, the round when you "treat yourself." Now, I may not know a lot about the sport of boxing, but I thought that the last round was when your opponent beats all of the muscle mass out of your face and you wake up thinking your name is Madeleine L’Engle. As if this discrepancy wasn’t warning enough about the terror that lied inside the wrapper, when I held the product it was apparent that the food was a small, phallic rod. Mmm, thanks G.O.A.T. That’s just what I want to put in my mouth.
Upon opening the package, I could smell the Rumble immediately. It was that sick smell of Hawaiian Punch, the general fruit aroma that is not traceable to any actual fruit. The texture wasn’t any help either. Rather, when I was chewing it felt like someone had poured that Hawaiian Punch in a bowl of Rice Cripsies and let it congeal for a month, then served it to me in rod form. I imagine that if I just finished boxing and someone suggested I enjoy a soothing Fruit Fight Rumble as a treat, I’d spit a tooth in his face. Just sayin’.