There's a lady who I see in the bathroom at work who covets my hair. On Monday she asked me where I got it cut, and she was shocked when I said that I usually do it myself. I saw her again on Wednesday, and by the time we washed our hands I had somehow agreed to email her a picture of myself so she could try and match my style (at least, I think that's why she wants my picture).

She isn't going to get far if she doesn't know how to cut hair, though. There's a certain finesse to the way I create my do. And so for the lady at work, or for anyone else who is interested in giving their hairstyle that certain "WTF?", I now present the Meg Favreau School of Hair Cuttery:

1. Go three days with hair that is too long. Get angry.
2. When you get home from work, throw down your bag, grab a pair of scissors, and strip to your underwear. Grunt.
3. Looking in the mirror, take a fistful of whatever hair is annoying you the most. Cut it.
4. Try to even the rest of your hair out based on that first chunk.

First of all, it helps if you are not driving a car. Same goes for riding a bike or one of those lawnmowers with a seat. If you are on or in any of those things, you are not running. It's easy to get confused sometimes, because when a car's motor is on, one might say it is "running." But this does not mean that you are running. This means you are being a lazy slob.

Secondly, pick a good surface for running. Any surface where you have to go directly or almost directly up is not a good surface. Examples of this are steep mountains, recreational rock walls, and buildings. If you are traveling up these surfaces, you are climbing, not running. Similarly, if you are in water, especially water where you cannot touch the bottom, you will most likely not be running. You will be swimming. Swimming is okay, but your skin will prune up.

Third, you need the proper attire. It is best to run while wearing shoes. But not all shoes are alike! Believe it or not, bad shoes can be even worse for running than no shoes at all! Poor examples for running shoes include stilettos, crocodile loafers, and anything purported to be designed by Jessica Simpson.

Clothing is a bit simpler. Wear something that will not restrict your movements. No clothing is okay as long as you don't mind the dreaded "naughty bits jiggle." The one thing most runners agree on, though, is that sweatbands make you faster. The fastest runners in the world, in fact, wear clothing made entirely from space-age sweatband material.

As for the actually process of running, you need to move your legs. You can also move your arms if you feel like it, but only moving your arms will not help. If you are only moving your arms, your activity might actually be bench pressing, knitting, or "raising the roof"—certainly not running! When you do move your legs, make sure you are bending your knees more than when walking, but less than when "high steppin'" (unless, of course, you are one of those "high steppin'" show runners). Also, you need to be moving faster than when you are just walking.

Holy shit! You're running now!