Most of us recognize that what we're taught in elementary school about the first Thanksgiving – the friendly sharing of food, the incredible bounty, the making of paper hats – is not what really happened. However, most people don't know what did happen either. With the holiday tomorrow, I thought I'd lay out the story as I know it, so we can understand what we're really thankful for.
When the pilgrims landed in Massachusetts in 1620, weary and sick from their long journey across the Atlantic, they were met by a race of giant, man-size turkeys. The turkeys made the pilgrims' first year in America very difficult. First of all, the turkeys would call the pilgrims and ask them to hang out, but when the pilgrims arrived at the Giant Turkey House, nobody would be home. Then the turkeys started making lewd comments about the pilgrim women, like "You don't look so puritan to me, baby," or "Want a scarlet letter, dollface?" When the pilgrims discovered that the turkeys had removed bits of caulk to make the pilgrims' cabins drafty, that was the last turkey in the straw.
But what could the pilgrims do? The turkeys were so mean and self-confident. The pilgrims went to their new friend, Squanto, to talk about their problem.
"The turkeys have always been a problem for us as well," Squanto said. "The other day we were hanging out, and they kept calling me 'Squa.' Like a woman!" He shook is head.
"We'd like to kill them," said one of the pilgrims. "But we don't know how!" And that's when Squanto showed them how to kill the turkeys by shoving an ear of corn in their mouths and burying fish in their chest cavities.
Together the pilgrims and the Indians took a stand against bullying and killed all of the giant turkeys. To celebrate they had a great feast where they ate the turkeys as a symbol of dominance over their oppressors. Each Thanksgiving after that, the pilgrims and Indians ate the largest small-turkey they could find to help make sure that the turkeys didn't evolve into giants again.
And that, that is the tradition we carry to this very day.
Also, here's an old story of mine about Thanksgiving.