For anyone who doubts that we are moving to a future where our food comes in bland-tasting, vitamin-packed pellets, I present G.O.A.T. That's right, G.O.A.T. Like the animal. Like,
"Oh, I'll have some goat food."
I received a free sample of G.O.A.T. at work today, and the bag promised a "vitamin powered energy crunch" coupled with a "Slammin' Salsa" flavor. What it actually delivered was some sort of peanut device masked within crispy, salty, and mysteriously multi-colored shells. The pamphlet I received with my G.O.A.T. pellets noted that they have a "homemade look and feel." I can only assume by the silver package and the fact that G.O.A.T. Foods resemble nothing ever made in a home or commercial kitchen that G.O.A.T. pellets have actually been sent back in time FROM THE FUTURE to warn us of IMPENDING DANGER. Either that or the creators of G.O.A.T. Food grew up in a Combos factory, and their mothers only fed them various flavors of pellet-shaped Combos (including the highly experimental "juice and egg").
In truth, G.O.A.T. here stands for "Greatest of All Time," because the G.O.A.T. Food & Beverage Company is themed around MUHAMMAD ALI (who is, according to their website, the most recognized man in the world). Every type of pellet-product has a different boxing name, and the bags are glove-shaped. These "completely new, truly authentic, ownable" foods (yes, ownable, unlike all those other foods that, after you purchased them, are still apparently not owned by you) "contain all of the essential nutrition that young adults need to maintain a healthy, active lifestyle", i.e.: they provide the strength to punch someone in the fucking face.
Throw away your spinach, friends, and your beans. Toss out your buckwheat bread and your kale, your lean fish and your stalwart grapefruit. Now, get ready for the food of the future, the food that lets you "indulge without guilt or regret." Get ready to consume bars that provide "one full serving of fruit" and "as much calcium as a glass of milk" and pellets that give you a "delicate yet balanced blend of protein and carbohydrates." Prepare yourself for these "breakthrough identity" snack foods that were first rolled out to Google employees, who these days are equivalent to members of the space program.
Friends, dear friends, get ready to eat G.O.A.T.